Talking to God

In living through what seems to be the biggest challenge of my life, I have come to realize that I must be much more creative in how I start each day, since I have waked up in a panic for several weeks now. I mostly start out with my regular meditation–saying my life vision statement and affirmations. Sometimes I am in such a state, I can’t get the words clear enough in my mind to say them, even though I have them memorized.

I talked with my sister Rachael yesterday, and she again encouraged me to see that this is truly a spiritual journey, one that cannot be dealt with in psychological terms. The tools I have help, but they are not enough. Talking to God is what seems to help the most.

She suggested I look at Psalm 130, and I did. It is very comforting. Then this morning I started thinking about Psalm 23. So I’ve printed them up now, and am going to read them over and over. I find comfort in the sense of a deeper connection to all the human beings throughout our history who have struggled and found comfort in these same words. For thousand of years, these words have been repeated. That has to mean something.

For someone who has felt a deep connection to God for most of my life, the most difficult part of this crisis I have been living out is that I felt somehow separate from God. How could this be? How could I lose my footing like that? How could I not be able to quickly connect to my center point?

Fear and Panic have seemed to be more powerful than my own will. Now I know this isn’t actually possible, but it IS what I experienced. So now I have decided to tackle this problem in a more concentrated spiritual way. I’m going to keep talking to God in as many ways as I can find, and I fervently hope to find my way back to that feeling of certainty that I have God to rely on, to lean on, to guide me through my dark hours of the soul.

I truly know that deepening my commitment to finding God in this situation is a blessing in itself. I have said over and over, “Where is God Not?” But living that truth is sometimes harder than I ever imagined.

To keep going is the only way I know, so that is what I am doing. Thank you, God, for the strength to keep going and the opportunity to keep growing.