It has almost been two weeks since I left Dallas on a journey of self-love. I packed up my car and drove to New Mexico to see friends in Santa Fe and followed up that delightful visit by heading to Colorado and seeing different sets of friends–staying at their homes and mixing in their lives for a few days at a time. I call it a journey of self-love because I keep clearing away the clutter in my mind and when I look out I see these wonderful people reflecting love back to me.
I spent time in Eagle with some amazing and delightful children, and now am on my way to see my grandson. Children are so inspiring because they are always in the present. And that is pretty much what this journey has been about for me. Loving simply being with people, looking out at the incredible vistas from my car as I drive, just sitting and looking at a beautiful tree in the distance.
I have (gratefully) been welcomed with open arms at each stopping point. My friends and I have shared moments that are unforgettable for me. As I have been writing about money and the challenges of recovering from what seemed to be financial disaster last year, I can truly say that I have an even greater sense of my wealth as I travel around.
First of all, just being able to drive through the incredible beauty of Texas, New Mexico and Colorado gives me a sense that I am the wealthiest woman on the planet. On one little jaunt between Frisco and Boulder I missed a turn and ended up going across a mountain pass that took me above the timber line and around amazing hairpin turns–I was in suspension between terror and exhilaration as I drove the narrow pass with no guardrail on the drop down side…. It was so beautiful, I was almost overwhelmed. And so glad I missed the turn so I could do it!
That was the same day I spent a morning working on some old beliefs that I had about myself with my friend Jolina in Frisco–she sort of cornered me before I left, challenging me to work on something she had heard me say that didn’t ring true. We had spent the last three days working on her stuff–I love to do that, and couldn’t have asked for a better setting for our work. When she challenged me, I felt so young and vulnerable, and grateful at the same time for having someone there to care enough about me to help me see something that I was blind to. Such a paradox that we can have amazing insights about others and remain blind to our own internal stumbling blocks.
She helped me see that I was harboring the secret fear that I had made bad choices–especially in relationships–for my whole life. I just hadn’t been able to uncover that fear by myself. It was buried too deep and when I finally broke through it, I realized that I had been afraid that if I had made such poor choices up to this point, that I could never break that cycle.
She suggested that each choice was exactly right and that it wasn’t even possible for me to make a wrong choice–that each situation, each relationship had led me to keep going, traveling through my life as an independent, self-determined woman. And I love the life I’ve lived! So how could I have been at the same time so afraid that I had screwed it up?
I think it is the human condition to not be able to see those hidden fears, what we bury inside to avoid looking at. My take on it is that the fears actually drive us to keep striving, learning and growing–and they will stay hidden until we don’t need them to push us anymore and we are ready to create another strategy for growth.
I don’t need to be afraid about what choices I make because I am clear that all choices lead to grace. So letting go of the old stragegy is easy, now that I see it. And the self-love part is that I manifested the exact right person in the exact right moment to help me uncover the fear, work through it and move on. I feel lighter, freer and definitely more open to new experiences.
And that same day I met a new friend who reminded me that the more open I am, the more possibilities there are for expressing the love I feel for myself and others. Letting go of an old fear has led me to new experiences–and the cosmic joke plays out again.
I am so grateful to Janni and Richard, to Krissy, Augie, Addie and Hans, to Christiane, to Jolina and Doug, to Joanie and Renny, to Laney and Mike, and to Craig for all showing up in their amazing glory to help me remember what self-love is really all about–appreciating the beautiful “other” human beings in front of us because they are our faithful mirrors, reflecting us back to ourselves. If I can have these people open their hearts, arms and homes to me, I must be doing something right!